The holidays are fast approaching, which means for women and mothers, stress has likely already set in. There can be a lot that goes into the holidays, from travel, baking and cooking, shopping and wrapping, planning and celebrating, errands and cleaning, the list can feel long. I see so many women struggle as the holidays approach, not necessarily because of the holidays, although that can be present with grief and strained family dynamics, but it is far more common to see stress because of the expectations around the holidays.
Expectations can lead to feelings of:
- Overwhelm
- Irritability
- Anxiousness
- Trouble Relaxing
- Feeling on edge
- Stress
- Frustration
- Depression
Throw in-laws and/or kids in the mix and I see that struggle and stress significantly increase. So, are women and mothers just destined to feel this way during the holidays? The answer is no. The holidays do not need to feel this overwhelming and daunting. In fact, it’s GOOD to enjoy the holidays alongside your partner and/or children. So how do you get there? Expectations and boundaries.
Let me give you some examples of common expectations I see arise during the holidays:
- The expectation that adult children will travel to older family members’ homes
Expectations around gift giving (and spending large amounts of money on presents or for a lot of people)- The expectation of keeping traditions that others have done before you
- Expectations about participation (and negative comments when there is pushback)
- Expectations about how in-laws need to engage in all activities with their partner’s family (and their own family too)
These are just examples, and I am sure I am missing a lot more, but I hope you can begin to see that all of these things add stress and overwhelm to the holidays, perhaps weeks or even months in advance. Also, some of these expectations may not be realistic due to time, finances, and personal beliefs/values. This is where boundaries come into play. This holiday season, it could be helpful to look at your expectations compared to your actual ability related to finances and time, and then set boundaries around those.
This could sound something like:
- “We are not participating in a gift exchange this year.”
- “I am not able to make the entire family meal. What can you bring?”
- “I am not able to host this year. I am happy to help in other ways.”
- “We will not be traveling this year.”
"We will not be traveling this year."- “No”
- “I will not be able to do that.”
"That is not realistic for me this year.""I can’t, although I am happy to help out by _____."- “We won’t be able to make it. I hope you have a great time.”
There are many ways you can begin setting and verbalizing boundaries. Note how you feel when you read the examples above. Does it feel challenging to think about saying how you really feel to others? Does it feel hard to imagine saying “no” to that person? If so, you are not alone. Boundaries take time and practice. Begin by practicing small “no’s” and see what happens.
If you are struggling with expectations, setting healthy boundaries, and navigating this holiday season, reach out to me to learn how I can help. The holidays do not have to feel so daunting and miserable.