Are you struggling to communicate how you feel to your family or partner? If it feels like communication is hard and you’re struggling to know what to say and how to say it, read on to learn how.
Communication is difficult and it takes an understanding of how you communicate and what you’re trying to say to improve it. Let’s start with HOW you communicate. There are four communication styles. Which one best describes how YOU communicate?
Aggressive
This looks like “I respect me only!” and can be seen as mean, condescending, verbally abusive, and hurtful. Being aggressive in communication can look like: yelling, name calling, talking down to, and ignoring the other person’s feelings.
Passive
This is where you don’t speak up or say how you’re feeling and instead minimize it. It may mean you pretend you are fine or that something doesn’t bother you, try to “keep the peace”, or you communicate in ways to avoid confrontation.
Passive-Aggressive
This is a combination of the two communication styles above and can be very confusing to the people you’re communicating with. This may look like not wanting to do something, saying you’ll do it anyway, and then when the time comes, becoming upset and telling the person you’re not going because you never wanted to.
Assertive
This is the sweet spot. This is where you want to be. When using assertive language, you are conveying the feelings of, “I respect you AND I respect me.” This may sound like, “I’m feeling hurt by what you said and because I don’t want to hurt your feelings in return, I’m going to take a minute to cool off before we finish this conversation”.
Now that you’ve identified HOW you communicate, we can focus on becoming more assertive and communicating how you feel and what you need. You can do this by using “I” statements, such as “I feel _ when you __.” You can also practice assertiveness by making sure your tone and volume stay neutral and consistent, you maintain eye contact, and you do not use statements like, “It’s your fault that___” or “If you hadn’t _ then I wouldn’t have _.” Doing these things ensures that you are speaking about how you feel and not placing blame or causing the other person to become defensive.
Give it a try. Pick a concern, feeling, or thought that you want to communicate with another person and practice writing out how you might say how you feel using assertive language. Be sure to speak from the heart and convey to the other person that you respect both them and you.
Struggling to communicate effectively? Need more support identifying your wants and needs and communicating them in relationships? Reach out to me today to discuss how I can help you reach those goals!
