Do you ever feel guilty in situations where you wish you didn’t? Feeling guilt and being guilty are not the same thing. Sometimes guilt shows up in our lives when we haven’t actually done anything to feel bad or guilty about. While guilt is a natural emotion and oftentimes a helpful tool in taking accountability and making change in your lif, unnecessarily feeling guilty is also real. Any emotion can show up in your lif at any given time, but that doesn’t mean you have to or should make yourself feel that way.
Let’s take a closer look at guilt. Guilt often is the emotional response that signals that you have done something wrong, something that goes against your values or morals, and/or something that most people would agree you should feel bad about. It can be an incredibly helpful tool in triggering you to stop, reflect, acknowledge, and even pivot in order to make better choices moving forward. For example, if you feel guilty when contemplating stealing from someone, you are less likely to follow through with that thought, which is a good thing. Guilt can also help improve relationships, stop you from acting without regard for others feelings or safety, and keep you honest.
Sometimes you can feel guilty though without doing something that is bad or against your morals. Guilt can show up unnecessarily in your lif, creating problems with decision making, setting boundaries, honoring your wants and needs, taking time for yourself, and more. For example, feeling guilty for telling someone you can’t lend them money does not mean you are doing anything wrong. You are allowed to decide whether or not you want to lend someone money and you don’t need to feel bad about that either way. Misguided guilt however will show up in that moment and may make you feel like you SHOULD feel bad.
Think of something you have recently felt guilty about. Do you feel that it was just and reasonable for you to feel this way? Were you experiencing guilt unnecessarily, whether self-imposed or by someone else? Why might you have been feeling that way about the situation? And lastly, do you WANT to feel guilty in this situation?
There are a number of reasons why you may be experiencing unnecessary guilt. Some of the most common are:
- Unrealistic expectations of self
- Poor or unhealthy boundaries
- Not having your own feelings or needs honored or respected growing up
- Unhealthy relationship dynamics now or in the past
- Negative self-talk and/or low self-esteem
If you are struggling with guilt, make sure to determine whether or not it is an important and necessary emotion for you to have. Knowing this information can drastically improve your ability to cope with and overcome these intense and often uncomfortable feelings. Some helpful ways to stop unnecessarily feeling guilty are:
- Honor you own feelings and needs first
- Set healthy boundaries
- Do not take responsibility for things outside of your control
- Challenge negative and intrusive thoughts telling you that you should feel bad
- Become more comfortable with saying no and reducing people pleasing behaviors
Still struggling with feelings of guilt and need help applying these tools to your life? Reach out today to learn how Psychotherapy for Women can help you overcome unnecessary guilt.
