Recently I asked my social media audience if they felt that their parents were respectful of their boundaries. The results shocked me. Only 6% of people that voted said they felt that their family was “always respectful of their boundaries”, while 94% said that they felt their family didn’t respect their boundaries “sometimes” or “not at all”. If you find yourself in that 94% of people, you are not alone. Let’s talk about what you can do about it.
Setting boundaries can be hard. Having boundaries not respected by family can be even harder. There are a number of reasons why your family members, parents, or in-laws, are not respecting your boundaries. Some common reasons why are:
- Lack of understanding about what your boundaries are
- Difficulty seeing things from your point of view
- Challenges setting and maintaining boundaries in their own lives
- Differences in views, opinions, and ideas
- Difficulty honoring your role as an adult or parent of your own (i.e. still seeing you as a child they have to parent)
Regardless of WHY someone is not respecting your boundaries, your wants and needs are there and deserve to be respected. Some of the most common ways family or in-laws can disrespect your boundaries look like:
- Not honoring wishes regarding how they treat your child (i.e. giving them something to eat you don’t want them to have, such as sugary foods and drinks, disregarding your wishes around screen time, and not disciplining them or disciplining in a way that you don’t agree with)
- Showing up unannounced without regard to your family and or schedules
- Disagreeing with your points of view or opinions and not respecting that those decisions are your own to make
- Not being respectful of your time
- Continually asking you for money or to pay for things
If you are finding yourself frustrated, hurt, or uncomfortable because someone is not respecting your boundaries, it may be time to address things head on. We first want to start by telling someone very clearly what our boundaries are, such as “I don’t want my child to have sugar at this age. Do not let them eat sugary foods while they’re at your house”. If we are clear and open about what our boundaries are, they are more likely to be met with respect.
However, if those wishes and boundaries are not honored, we want to begin by reiterating our boundaries and addressing the lack of respect of our boundaries head on. Saying things like, “I see you let them have cupcakes after I told you I was not okay with them having sugar at this age. Please respect this boundary moving forward as it’s very important to me”.
If this doesn’t work, we now have a choice. We can either continue to reiterate our boundaries and hope they start respecting them, OR, we can set more strict boundaries. Sometimes being met with resistance or lack of respect towards our boundaries means we need to set stronger boundaries. This may sound like, “I’m feel hurt that you continue to let them have sugary foods I ask them not to be given, despite our conversations about this. Moving forward, we will not be allowing them to stay over until this boundary can be respected.”
While some may feel this is “harsh”, the reality is, if you’re not open, clear, and assertive with the boundaries you set, others will not know what your boundaries are and how to respect them. Just because someone doesn’t think your boundary is important, does not make it any less important or worthy of respect.
Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships, including with family, where individuals do not respect boundaries no matter what, and this is extremely hurtful and challenging. While that’s not always the case, if you are struggling with complex family dynamics and struggling to set boundaries, more support may be beneficial. Reach out today to discuss how Psychotherapy for Women can help!
