When you care about another person deeply, it’s understandable and common to want the best for them. Sometimes this desire can be quiet and in the back of your mind as go about your days, and other times it can be loud and feel all consuming. Wanting the best for your partner can also sometimes cause you to focus heavily on what you think they need to do or change, and make it a mission of yours to help them see this through.
It’s important to note that there is a significant difference between wanting something for someone and trying to make something happen for someone. You can want your partner to set boundaries, maybe manage their anger better, and even go to therapy. This is typically coming from a supportive place and because you care for someone deeply. This is all well and good, as long as you do not try to take on the responsibilities of these changes for them. If that happens, it can create a plethora of struggles and more relationship problems.
Trying to fix your partner can look like:
- Focusing heavily on what they are doing
- Trying to convince them to see your point of view
- Feeling stressed about what they are or are not doing
- Changing your behavior in an attempt to get them to do something
- Feeling anxious, worried, on edge, or out of control
- Feeling stressed about their behavior often
- Pushing them to go to therapy
- Researching what they should do and then telling them what you read
When you try to fix your partner, it’s very likely that issues will start to arise if they haven’t already.
Common issues that arise when you try to fix/change your partner (or some aspect of their life) look like:
- Focusing on things outside of your control, leading to increased anxiety and worry
- Unrealistic expectations of others, causing disappointment, more hurt feelings, and stress
- Pushback from the partner, such as resistance, defiance, or anger
- Increase tension, arguments, and fights within the relationship
- Potential to enable the partner to not take responsibility or make changes on their own
While you can care for your partner deeply and maybe even see how great their life would be if they made certain changes, it’s not your responsibility to do that for them. In fact, trying to fix your partner isn’t going to work. Instead, it’s likely keeping you in a state of stress and overwhelm. It takes a lot to care for ourselves, but even more energy to try and make someone do something that they may not want to do or are not fully ready to do. And even if they are ready, they have to do the work themselves.
If this is resonating with you, I want you to know you are not alone. This is very common in relationships, especially when one partner is struggling in ways that actually bring you as their partner any sort of stress, worry, hurt, and/or frustration. Instead of trying to change things for them though, your energy is best served by focusing on what is within your control and taking care of you.
If you are struggling in your relationship, feeling stressed about your partner, and want to feel better but don’t know what to do, therapy can help. I help women learn how to navigate relationship stressors and find more peace and happiness, and I can help you do the same. Reach out today for a free telephone consultation call to learn more.